Is it trauma?

The word “trauma” can lead to many meanings. However, in this post I’d like to write about psychological trauma. Simply said, it’s a mental damage resulting from a traumatic event.
For one or two years already, I have been developing symptoms similar to that of trauma, and this is my first experience of having it. The cause is an improvable misunderstanding of my action (action – failed – bad result – misunderstood – scolded – can’t prove). I guess this happens often in real life – in other words, it’s not uncommon to see this happens. But why does this lead me into some kind of trauma? Well, I’ve been doing some research about it and can only conclude that is because it happens in a long term repeatedly.

Besides, I have experienced some -you may call it traumatic- events like falling from a first floor to the ground back-first and slipping bike because of spilled oil on the road. Those may lead to a psycho trauma, too (like trauma of height). But in fact I didn’t develop any symptoms of trauma because of it.

From what I analysed, I may develop a trauma only if it happens repeatedly, like what I said above. I cannot blame the person who caused this, though, since I’m sure she did not do it in purpose. Not to mention that I’m emotionally weak, I usually stay away from people who tends to have bad emotion-control, since this may lead me to react negatively due to the trauma.

Now what’s the main point of this post already.. For many times I planned to have a “friendly” talk to her, whether via text or directly. I even prepared some topics in case I run out of something to talk about. But the plan never went as I wanted it to -or you can say- the plan haven’t been ever done in the first place. Once it’s time to meet each other, my brain does not work as it usually do – people may call it “being nervous”. Eventually this leads to a trivial conversation.

It gets even worse when it comes to direct meeting. Just seeing her makes my inner chest hurts, and my skin starts to dissolve sweat. My mind cannot think clearly anymore – are these symptoms what you called “crush” or “love”? Beats me, I didn’t even know about it. I just feel scared and tend to avoid eye-contact, and of course, no words come out from my mouth. Plus, my mood dropped to zero level immediately.

I’ve tried to control those symptoms already and always failed. However, I’m not giving up. I only want her not to misunderstand my strange actions due to this trauma. This is my problem, not her concern. Well, misunderstandings is the cause of my trauma – how if she misunderstands again..? Say it directly to her? Hell no, I’m sure 90% she will blame herself for this, and even take “silly” actions based on misunderstandings – that’s what I never want to happen. She just being herself and happy is more than enough for me.

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