Five months have passed since I quit my job. There have been so much people asking me: Why do I quit my job; Why am I unemployed; Why am I such a lazybum; and similar questions. Indeed, people may judge me as a lazybum who does not have the will to work, a nerd who does not want to work with others, and even an anti-social person.
Seriously, I don’t hate cooperate with others if it comes to work. I may be a lazy bum, but I can make sure I’m not anti-social. I have difficulties socializing with people I don’t know, but that does not mean I don’t want to meet anyone new. It’s just difficult for me, and I don’t enjoy it. Maybe it’s because my introvertness. Sharing is hell, I can’t even put my feelings or thoughts into proper words.
My mom said I quit my job too early. Yes, maybe so. But back then, I recall that I really didn’t enjoy the job. It id not make me feel comfortable when all I did was doing a training without a transparent feedback. The people were nice, it’s nothing to worry about. It’s just the job, the task, and the awkward environment when all your coworkers are busy while you aren’t. It felt like hell, going to work every 8:00 a.m. and doing nothing except staring at the monitor; eating “free” lunch at 12:00 p.m. and continue doing nothing; returning home at 5:00 p.m. already tired; and getting normal payment at the end of the month. Hey, what the hell was I doing there!
However, quitting job too early has its downsides. I haven’t really experienced how to work in office environment, and I surely don’t get new relations. Network is important, yet I threw it away. I was blinded by the will to study abroad. Now I know, it’s not exactly “study abroad” that I wanted; it was “going abroad” or to be more exact, to break free.
But now that I’m really free, I lost my goal. I forgot, or maybe I haven’t really given a thought about one, solid goal which could drive me to work hard. I’ve been too obedient since school days so that I don’t have the will on my own. All I did was to fulfill my parents’ expectations, people’s expectations on me. Arithmetic courses, Mandarin courses, high school’s natural science department; all of them were my parents’ will. I never liked Mandarin, nor do I have the will to learn it. Now that I mentioned it, my very first own will, is to learn Japanese, which was considered less important than Chinese. And my second will is to study IT.
My parents set high hopes on me when I quit the job. But till now, I haven’t got any stable income. My parents might think that I’m still learning or that my plan is in progress. Actually, I don’t have any plans. I may have short-term goals, but I haven’t made any plans to reach it yet. These are questions that I found really hard to answer:
- What kind of job do you want?
- How much are your monthly payment?
- What are you working on right now?
- Show me your portfolios
- Do you have a fiancee yet? (I don’t even think of it)
I feel very guilty when I don’t meet my parents’ expectations, because however, they are still supporting me financially. So, I’m lost within it. The guilt drives me to work, while the biased goal does not give me any plans on how to work. Checkmate. I’m still thinking about the solution, though. Generation gap surely gives a pain. Older people won’t understand what we, IT generation, is dealing with, and vice versa.